Monday, November 27, 2006


Some of the pictures are obvious like Santa. The one on the left was taken last year in Dec. The one on the right was taken last Friday night. Notice it is the same Santa, same child, different expression.

Then the other photo with two pictures in it has the first school photo on the right and then last spring's school photo. In neither photo is she smiling or looking at the camera. The one with the bunny was taken on November 11, 2006 and she is smiling slightly for the photo, looking directly at the camera and I had plenty of photos from which to choose. I guess that means she is growing up to understand that picture taking is a natural part of childhood (*wink*).

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Our Christmas tree with Purple Bear

Thanksgiving and Christmas Trees

So this weekend we enjoyed Thanksgiving with my niece and nephew from Conway at my cousin and his family's home here in Marion. We had a great time. Friday we went with my sis and her kids and my parents to see Happy Feet. Then we went in search of Santa. We found him and had not the best photo taken with Santa. I will post later.

Saturday, G and I attended our last neighbor's child's birthday party. We loaned them the jumper. We were there a long time and G was exhausted but she had soooo much fun with Sam. Then that evening I put the tree up and decorated. G was allowed to help with the non-breakable ornaments of which she broke two. So much for un-breakables.

At one of the other blogs, Double Happiness (, there is a photo challenge of Christmas trees. So I will post some photos of G helping with the Christmas tree. By the way she loved helping. She oooed and ahhed over the decorations. I filmed it and then took pictures of the completed scene with G in her new frog PJs.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

First Thing update and more

So I have had a lot of down time with this new job. I have met 6 of the kids I will have on the case load and not scheduled to meet anymore this week. Since I am billable I am still not seeing anyone officially so I am not making money just the $50 stipend.

I am still not sure I am going to like this job or company. I have a bad habit of going in somewhere and seeing things that need to be done or that could be done better, but I will not say a word until I have proven that I am capable of actually working there.

I have mostly African American kids on the case load, and sadly I can tell by the names. It is a shame how some parents choose names for their kids. Also, sadly the parents are about 80% of the child's problems. Walked in one home just as an introductory visit and the parents (with very small children present) were smoking pot. I could smell it in the air. I just want to shake the parents and say, "WHY". This is such an unhealthy atmosphere for the kids not to mention illegal. Also, there is no illness requiring pot as treatment.

I just don't know. I hope second thing comes quickly. I am still mostly on the verge of tears and still cannot meet my financial obligations. Also, the house is not sold!! I have the most AWFUL timing imaginable. PERIOD.

G and I did go have our flu shots though when I had to have a TB test. She didn't want to have a shot and told me so. I said, "me either." And she said, "me either". She was a trooper though, and she got play dough and panties for her effort. Yes, she cried before, during and after the shot. Candy made her feel better immediately. The nurses just went on and on about how smart she is and how verbal she is. Oh and they loved her cheeks!!

G wore her panties for the first time to school yesterday and apparently she has them on now at Grammie's house. She now has nothing to hold her pants up. The panties are too big for her and bunch up around her bottom. She can't wear them for naps and bedtime though. She has kept them dry at least all day yesterday and I guess today.

She spent the night with my parents last night. She was grumpy too last night and didn't want me to look her way. She can't stay with them tonight or tomorrow though. I just don't need her thinking I am out of the picture. I hope her grumpiness was just the flu shot.

I am heading that way now for pre-Thanksgiving family gathering and nap time.

Happy Thanksgiving to your family from ours. Remember to Whom thanks is truly owed.

Thursday, November 16, 2006


So here are a few shots of G from Monday, yesterday and this morning. She has a fascination with Clementine's "kennen" or kennel as it is normally known. She loves climbing in it, and she wants her picture taken in it too. She is always cooperative when she asks for the photo to be taken. Last night a friend was over and put G's hair up with the new hair bows G got from her cousin. When one looks good why not try them all out? Then the other photo is as close to nekkin baby as I will post on the blog. G asked me to take a picture of her bear, but G was only in her diaper as she had been painting earlier in mom's t-shirt and diaper. She ditched the shirt as soon as I put the paints up. She would rather be nekkin. (I prefer this spelling). But I guess who wouldn't rather be? I dated a guy once who had this as a goal and now he lives in FL so he can be nekkin, or almost nekkin anyway, all the time.

"First Thing"

So I accepted a new job, Monday night. I had interviewed for it last Thursday. It is with a counseling center in town, and I will be a case manager. I am not jazzed about it, and it is the first job that came along or the "something is better than nothing" job. So that is how I refer to it, "first thing." So yesterday was completing the paperwork part and meeting some of the staff and head honchos. I met the training person who started to give me a schedule but never did because the one she had had a typo in it. Then I met everyone but 2 people yesterday afternoon; so when I completed the people-to-see-list this morning, scheduler didn't have anything else for me to do.

I still need to meet with the director to have my cases assigned but she was busy yesterday afternoon and this morning. She doesn't work on Fridays though and the scheduler can't talk to her for me to meet with her today. Actually, said scheduler wanted me to drive out 30 mins one way to another location and observe today, even though I need to meet with the director today. So I tried to reason with her about using my time more wisely and I think we are already at odds. I swear I was nice. I explained that I have a daughter in daycare and would need to pick her up. I tried to reason with her and explain that since the director doesn't work on Friday it would be most beneficial to see her today and go to the site tomorrow. The sooner I get this part down (training) the sooner I can at least get paid the stipened, even as small as it is.

Do you ever get the feeling that someone just isn't going to like you? That is what I feel with her. Yes it could be all her but I have to say I have a very good sense of people. I have really only been wrong once and that came down to a language barrier. Scheduler also allowed someone in her office when we were discussing my time and schedule which makes me very uncomfortable. Open door policies with a superior are okay unless you are talking to someone. It limits what I feel I can express when someone I don't know is standing there.

Then to make matters worse my mother is spying on me. She can actually see my house from where she works so she called me when she saw my car and asked if I got fired. She had the nervous I-don't-think-you-really-got-fired laugh but asked anyway. Tuesday, I told her that I didn't think she had very high expectations of me and that I am proving by not succeeding at independent sales and the inability to find a job that she shouldn't have high expectations of me. She argues and says she is proud of me, but then she asks questions (in front of her peers) about my getting fired. Somewhere deep down, whether she thinks it or not, she doesn't have confidence in me either.

I don't have to worry about her reading this either because at her work they blocked all blogs on their internet usage. I found that out when I was subbing the other day. No fun!!! Oh and she has dial up at home so she doesn't get on the computer anymore.

Anyway, I am totally on the verge of tears everyday and my eyes are tired from it. Actually, I came home crying today. I just have a personality that rubs people the wrong way. Also, like an idiot I totally lost track of the days and in my pjs took my garbage to the curb only to realize as we were driving away to school and work that today is not garbage day. I missed it again for the 2nd week in a row.

I have so much anger in me right now at myself that I see it physically affecting G to the point that she is much more clingy and scared of things and much more whiny. OH my goodness the WHINE, I can't stand it. She actually got upset when I put panty hose on me this morning which I had to wear because I am too fat to wear the pants I have. She said she wanted to go see Sarah (her school teacher).

She also fell apart last night when a friend came to borrow my boots to go to Colorado next week. Last night she wanted to go eat to get away from the boots. I don't even wear these boots since it never gets that cold here. She doesn't even know why she is upset. She is also scared of gloves. This will be another winter she won't be wearing gloves. I won't be able to get her to wear them.

Back to "first thing", there is a meeting today at 3pm that I think I am supposed to attend but I am not sure where and I haven't been given approval to attend. So I am quite lost right now. The HR department, consisting of 2 people, hasn't even put me in the system yet which means I can't have cases assigned to me. And about the other site? I don't even know if I am supposed to go there tomorrow either.

I am not inflexible but I do need to know that people are in charge. I am learning that I do better in environments where I know what exactly is expected and that there is a reason and process to things. Oh and all this must be equal with everyone. I want things to be fair for everyone and everyone treated the same. This world is not for me because things aren't fair and people aren't treated the same.

I don't have a problem with the lax schedule at least with scheduling myself, but I do have a problem with other people scheduling things for me and not holding to the schedule. Now that doesn't mean I can't handle missed appts from others, but I will always keep the appt I set or I will call with plenty of notice about a change.

Maybe I am the one needing a case worker or therapist.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Practicing our smiles for school photos

Well we did take some pictures trying to prep for the holiday school pictures. She has never smiled for a professional photographer not even in the Santa (whom she loved) pictures last year.

Thankfully, she smiled a beautiful smile for the picture this year (not like these posted). I have to purchase the package too. It is too cute not to. I should also say that I only have one picture to chose from unlike the other kids who have different poses and props. Not my kid, oh no, she would smile only once; I am very grateful for the smile. The last two years' photos are stoic faced, and I had only one option then too. I will need to take a picture of the pictures and post them in order to see the progress of the smile. I guess the limited choices makes it easier to make a decision, huh?

She has gotten a little picky in the outfits too. I had a great one picked out that required black tights. She would have none of that, no panty hose for her. Thank goodness for Target clearance rack. I have a really cute photo this year in a pants outfit. The bad part is there are only 8 wallets and 2 5X7s. That barely hits the immediate family and friends. I will have to figure out how to get copies a little less expensively, shhh don't tell anyone.

Well, good night, school starts early in the morning.

Weekend Update and other stuff

So the birthday party was very noisy. My disc was not formatted and I didn't realize it until later so I have no pictures. G pretty much stayed in my lap or around my chair. She ventured out once but was too afraid of joining in. She fell asleep on the way there and back.

After the party we went to see another friend of mine who I haven't seen in over a year. She lives near the party so she invited us to dinner. She fixed what G likes and although G didn't eat much she did eat a bit of everything. I think the cake fixed her up. Anyway, this friend has my name and G recognized it as Mama's name. Shock was in her face as the realization hit her. It was pretty funny.

Also, on the lost pink bear front from last Tuesday, Grammie found pink bear in the pantry at her house. YEA! pink bear and G reunited at last. Grammie offered for Grandad to bring pink bear to G at 8:30 pm and I said no. G would have loved him to do that and he would have done it joyfully.

Today was another wasted day and then the Jr. high called for me to sub tomorrow. So that being set, tonight one of the jobs I interviewed for called and now I start with that one on Wed. at 9am. Oh if only that were the real time to start every day. It is case management and very low paying, but if this will work out and the social work position with my agency will work out I could have an okay yearly income and still maybe adopt again. Keeping my fingers crossed on that. Maybe after paying my parents off from the house (when it sells) I may have enough to start a savings on the future adoption. I will not adopt again if G is in elementary school when I start the paperwork.

If the house will sell then I can pay off my parents for almost everything I owe them and there won't be as much score keeping. Oh I will owe them for the months I have lived in the house rent free but everything else will be paid back. I hoped the house would have been sold by now. I think in my heart of hearts I knew I would get screwed on it but I had hoped not.

Of course I won't make enough buy this house at all so my dad will be landlord and I lowly renter. That was the one thing dad never wanted to be. Talk about knowing my business now. I am totally beginning to think this was a very bad idea to move in here. I should have just let them sell this house and stayed where I was. My life is bad decisions and poor timing.

In everything I do except adopting G, I live in regret. How odd. I never thought that would be my life. Well, how exactly does one live with regrets?

My parents will be glad to know I accepted a job. I will tell them tomorrow night at dinner and hope that I won't fall apart. If only the real estate agent will call with a contract... One can dream, right?

Sunday, November 12, 2006

The characters for Bao Jiang.

G after a day of zooing for her friends. Asleep in the car in less than 2 blocks. She was trying to read a book. When she reads a book she reads every page as "OH mudder goooose ride nnnnnnnnn air". This interprets as Ole Mother Goose when she wants to wander, rides through the air on a very fine gander. From her Mother Goose rhyme book.

We have had a great weekend just the two of us. She will be glad though when her Grammie and Grandad come home from her cousin W's birthday.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

The Girls on a cow.
The Giant Panda (Zoo-a) Roaming the Zoo.

Zoo Day with Friends

Today, G and I went to the zoo with some FCC families. We had a good time. G has a knot on her head because she "lost her legs" when her 8 yr old friend tried to put her down after I said she didn't need to be carried. Other than that, no problems. We saw the other side of the zoo today, the petting zoo. G and I never go over to that side. We like the pandas and polar bears best. There was a giant "Panda" walking around the park today, shaking hands with kids and giving photo ops. G said she wanted the panda (zoo-a) to go back in its kennel (kenda). She had to be held by me for the photo.

We ate lunch at a Chinese buffet compliments of our friends and both girls ate like they were starving. Not surprising that they were since we got to the zoo at 11 am and left after 1pm with no lunch break. G was up at 7am so we were really a long time from breakfast. Lunch was particularly good today I guess sometimes the buffet is hit or miss and I have had lots of misses there.

When we left lunch G fell asleep in the car seat while "reading" her book. That was 2:30ish and I brought her in, put her in my bed and crawled in after her. I woke up about 5 til 6pm. Yes, we slept almost 4 hours. So at 10pm we are still awake.

She is currently making my hair "pretty". This is a painful exercise that I don't recommend to tender headed individuals. Sadly I am one of those tender headed folks. I may have a headache again tonight for bed.

I will try to post some photos. If I can't get them loaded I may link the shutterfly site to it but then that is well over 100 shots. We had a good time just "hanging wiff mama". I love this kid!!

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Two Year Old Rationale

So the other night in bed G was telling me how she wants a daddy. Over the weekend, she heard me and my sister referring to our dad as "Daddy" so this is where this is coming from. Actually, come to think of it, this isn't the first time she has asked for a daddy or asked "where is daddy?" As a standard answer for it, I say, "Honey, I am not married; you can't have a daddy."

So the other night she wants a daddy and I tell her my standard answer. Then she gets pensive and quiet and says, "when I drowd (grow) up, I gonna get married and have a suitcase." I am not exactly sure when marriage and a suitcase came to be together in her mind but I guess it works for me if it works for her.

I will say she doesn't exactly know what a daddy is except a male figure older than her and not her cousin C. I am not sure when she will actually understand and miss having a daddy in her life and home. I am sure we will deal with it later in life; though, I just hope it is much later!!

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Blast from the Past

So today I walked in on my answering machine with a male's voice leaving a message. I assumed it was the interviewer I spoke with yesterday. When I looked at the ID it said, well let's just call him "old boyfriend" or OB for short.

So this OB and I were engaged until he got cold feet. We dated about 5 years. We broke up in 1995 a week before the day I graduated with my master's degree. I was in love with this person. I was so going to marry him and be happy and have lots of babies but wait, he decided he wasn't coming to my graduation.

No, that doesn't sound like a good enough reason except that day was also going to be our wedding day. Hmmmm, That would be the day I was to get married but the groom decides he doesn't want to be there. Makes a very difficult choice easy. I never dated anyone else as long as I dated him. He broke my heart and created in me the desire to never give my heart away again. My relationship with him is the reason I will never marry.

So I call OB back and we have talked for over an hour, 147:52 to be exact. We are just back in the same pattern where we left. We are actually in the same boat too, job wise and financially speaking. How funny. After not seeing him for 10 years out of the blue we both pursued the same thing without knowing the other did it.

Anyway, off to pick the toddler up.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Fall Festival

At the CHI fall family festival.

G and her Cat

Home with the bambino today

Oh my one day a week it seems I am keeping G home and thinking it is a good idea. It really isn't. So I must keep her in her day care consistently. Today, though, we went to Walgreens and to Kroger for groceries. I needed some photo albums. I have several that are from the same line but different colors and I am a nut about photos and albums. So far we have well over 6 full size albums for G's photos in the first year and almost 1/2 of her life with me. I am not sure I will be able to keep this up for the rest of her life. My house isn't big enough for that many albums.

I didn't start the temp assignment so I am back to being flat broke with no job. I have an interview tomorrow at three. I guess then my plan is to dress up, drop G off, go vote (in Memphis as that is where I am registered), go for coffee and lunch then to the interview. I really hope it pays well and that I will be able to do it. It is in West Memphis so I can't see that 40 hours would be bad.

We will see how it is all going to pan out. G got a haircut this weekend and my baby is back. My mom cut her hair in a pixie. It brings out her baby face again which is great. She was beginning to look older and I am not ready for that. I tell her not to grow up and she says she will grow up a "little bit."  She is so funny.

I will try to post some photos of her but blogger isn't cooperative on my computer for some strange reason.

Oh and referrals have come in. I love referral times. Some friends in California received their long awaited referral for Caroline. She is a cutie from Jiangxi prov. I am not sure if this link will work but give them a congrats:

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Wasted Days and Restless Nights

So I have literally had nothing but housework to do this week. I hate housework with a passion since it never gets done. I am always washing the same clothes. I am always sweeping the same dirt and animal hair from the same floors. It astounds me that after cleaning the house and sweeping the floors not 30 mins later I have the same c r a p all over again to look at. I know everyone faces this but I CAN'T STAND TO DO THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN, ARRRGH!!!!

I guess I should be fine with the nothing but housework because if and when I start working again I will have to work and do housework. That is just as bad since the housework is always attached. I sit here wishing my life away!!!

No luck on the job front although I have found an interesting home based business that I may check into only because it is about coffee, one of my addictions. I will post more about it when I actually sign up for it and receive my own supply.

Last night it took forever for me to go to sleep. G fell asleep before 10pm for which I am glad. She tells me she will go to sleep "in a minute, Mama." Nice another of my oft repeated phrases. If you are ever curious as to the common phrases you say on a daily basis, just get a toddler; they will repeat everything. G knows to whom I speak on the phone by the conversation I have not necessarily hearing the name. She is absolutely wonderfully smart.

I am in a definite funk of depression right now. It is quite miserable, and I probably shouldn't even be around real people right now. I have a definite tone to everything I say and do, and it is very depressing. It doesn't help that I am listening to sad break up music. I haven't broken up with anyone, but I understand the emotion-depression, frustration, hurt and anger.

On the upside though, yesterday G hung out with me all day and we watched mucho videos. I finally introduced her to Belle of Beauty and the Beast. So now on her pull ups she can identify Belle too. I need to show her Aladdin because she insists that Jasmine is Snow White. Can you say hard headed? Well she is and I don't have a clue where she got that from.

Oh G is yelling back at me now. I know I am not a consistent parent and I should learn to be so. At night she wallows and turns and twists and crawls and talks and, and, and so as not to fall asleep. I start off scolding quietly but finally I blow up and yell "G, get still." Well last night I got "G" out and she yelled back, "WHAT". I think it was a rhetorical question too. I couldn't help but laugh which throws us right back to the beginning. She also told me "no" and got a spanking for it. Then she cried and told me "you make me cry, mama."

Oh well. How many times will she cry before she moves out of the house after college? I would like to think not many, but knowing what growing up is like, I expect a few more tears. Hopefully though I will always be understanding of her hurt feelings and sorrows and will be able to help her grow through those times.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Fall Festival: Reformation Celebration

Grandad has to carry her through the trunk of treats. She came away from this trunk saying, "mama, I got some more candy!!"

I'm having trouble loading pics on blogger right now. I will post on the journey to G yahoo group until I can get the blogger to work.