Thursday, November 16, 2006

"First Thing"

So I accepted a new job, Monday night. I had interviewed for it last Thursday. It is with a counseling center in town, and I will be a case manager. I am not jazzed about it, and it is the first job that came along or the "something is better than nothing" job. So that is how I refer to it, "first thing." So yesterday was completing the paperwork part and meeting some of the staff and head honchos. I met the training person who started to give me a schedule but never did because the one she had had a typo in it. Then I met everyone but 2 people yesterday afternoon; so when I completed the people-to-see-list this morning, scheduler didn't have anything else for me to do.

I still need to meet with the director to have my cases assigned but she was busy yesterday afternoon and this morning. She doesn't work on Fridays though and the scheduler can't talk to her for me to meet with her today. Actually, said scheduler wanted me to drive out 30 mins one way to another location and observe today, even though I need to meet with the director today. So I tried to reason with her about using my time more wisely and I think we are already at odds. I swear I was nice. I explained that I have a daughter in daycare and would need to pick her up. I tried to reason with her and explain that since the director doesn't work on Friday it would be most beneficial to see her today and go to the site tomorrow. The sooner I get this part down (training) the sooner I can at least get paid the stipened, even as small as it is.

Do you ever get the feeling that someone just isn't going to like you? That is what I feel with her. Yes it could be all her but I have to say I have a very good sense of people. I have really only been wrong once and that came down to a language barrier. Scheduler also allowed someone in her office when we were discussing my time and schedule which makes me very uncomfortable. Open door policies with a superior are okay unless you are talking to someone. It limits what I feel I can express when someone I don't know is standing there.

Then to make matters worse my mother is spying on me. She can actually see my house from where she works so she called me when she saw my car and asked if I got fired. She had the nervous I-don't-think-you-really-got-fired laugh but asked anyway. Tuesday, I told her that I didn't think she had very high expectations of me and that I am proving by not succeeding at independent sales and the inability to find a job that she shouldn't have high expectations of me. She argues and says she is proud of me, but then she asks questions (in front of her peers) about my getting fired. Somewhere deep down, whether she thinks it or not, she doesn't have confidence in me either.

I don't have to worry about her reading this either because at her work they blocked all blogs on their internet usage. I found that out when I was subbing the other day. No fun!!! Oh and she has dial up at home so she doesn't get on the computer anymore.

Anyway, I am totally on the verge of tears everyday and my eyes are tired from it. Actually, I came home crying today. I just have a personality that rubs people the wrong way. Also, like an idiot I totally lost track of the days and in my pjs took my garbage to the curb only to realize as we were driving away to school and work that today is not garbage day. I missed it again for the 2nd week in a row.

I have so much anger in me right now at myself that I see it physically affecting G to the point that she is much more clingy and scared of things and much more whiny. OH my goodness the WHINE, I can't stand it. She actually got upset when I put panty hose on me this morning which I had to wear because I am too fat to wear the pants I have. She said she wanted to go see Sarah (her school teacher).

She also fell apart last night when a friend came to borrow my boots to go to Colorado next week. Last night she wanted to go eat to get away from the boots. I don't even wear these boots since it never gets that cold here. She doesn't even know why she is upset. She is also scared of gloves. This will be another winter she won't be wearing gloves. I won't be able to get her to wear them.

Back to "first thing", there is a meeting today at 3pm that I think I am supposed to attend but I am not sure where and I haven't been given approval to attend. So I am quite lost right now. The HR department, consisting of 2 people, hasn't even put me in the system yet which means I can't have cases assigned to me. And about the other site? I don't even know if I am supposed to go there tomorrow either.

I am not inflexible but I do need to know that people are in charge. I am learning that I do better in environments where I know what exactly is expected and that there is a reason and process to things. Oh and all this must be equal with everyone. I want things to be fair for everyone and everyone treated the same. This world is not for me because things aren't fair and people aren't treated the same.

I don't have a problem with the lax schedule at least with scheduling myself, but I do have a problem with other people scheduling things for me and not holding to the schedule. Now that doesn't mean I can't handle missed appts from others, but I will always keep the appt I set or I will call with plenty of notice about a change.

Maybe I am the one needing a case worker or therapist.

1 comment: said...

Bev, without offending or the fear of hurting your feelings. Have you thought about talking to your doctor about how you're feeling? I only say this as I too went through a real anxious stage and if my doctor hadn't prescribed a mild anxiety medication I think I may have jumped off a cliff. Just a suggestion. I know you're a smart lady and you will figure it out. We're here for you. Hugs. Rony

p.s. it doesn't by any way shape or form mean I think you are crazy!