So G is spending the night with Grammie and Grandad. She is such a brat around them. It is totally my fault because I don't make her mind since I don't want the grandparents to be upset. They don't like seeing her upset. She has figured this out too so she really plays it. I know it is and will be my fault when none of her cousins like her for her behavior around the grandparents. Of course with the financial situation as it is and my job situation like it is I have no real way to stop this.
See I am back under authority of my parents since they are in effect paying for everything. I am not getting paid a regular check nor am I going to be able to bill enough with first thing to do so. Also, the Memphis house isn't sold. My mother asked me about bankruptcy the other night. I feel so totally ashamed and disappointed with myself and my situation especially since it deeply affects G.
The relationship with my parents is more than strained. I can barely stand for them to look at me especially my dad. And the whole thing is that I am trying but failing miserably. Of course I don't have it as bad as some people. I don't have a life threatening illness that may take me away from G early in life. I just don't feel that this will ever straighten out.
I am so letting things go too. I am over 2000 miles past the oil change on my car and I never do that. I don't look at bills anymore and I barely balance the check book. It is all too depressing. I am living off credit and I so know better than to do that. All of this around Christmas just sucks.
Here is the other part. I know God is there and He is with me but I feel so far away from Him. I don't understand what this is leading me to and why this situation had to affect my parents so much. I mean Christmas will suck for them because of me. There is nothing that will change that perception in my mind. I don't even feel grown up. Anyway, this post may not stay up for long because it is so depressing even to me. There just has to be a workable solution!!