This is not a word I like to use, and in college I would hear silly girls yelling about being so that I literally had images of bashing their heads into the wall to stop hearing the word. I didn't believe there was a such thing, especially at our age.
I have since learned or experienced otherwise. I have had in the past panic attacks. I am not on meds for them although at one point I did try bu*spar which only made my head spin literally I think. Anyway, this is leading to my realization that I am currently stressed.
When I am stressed, I dream. I dream about past situations where I was stressed. In college I would dream about high school and flunking all of my classes while having teachers laugh in my face (I was an A/B student). In the work world I would dream about high school and not being able to get to my classes. In past awful emotionally damaging job I would dream about high school/college and then about said job. Now I dream about damaging job (hereafter known as dj). Last night I dreamed dj offered me a new position but when I gave them my declarations of schedule, i.e. no working past 5pm, I didn't hear from them again, and instead went to lunch with an ex-coworker of mine and a new co-worker from first thing. First thing is current place of employ where back biting is ensuing.
Now yesterday was an extremely bad day for me and G. At first thing I am discovering new back biting with me at the center. I am being bitten; I am not biting. Last night after work, we all went to church to watch a slide show of my mom's pastor's visit to Israel. Very interesting. G sat with us during the presentation. She was not very cooperative. I had to remove her once as she screamed to high heaven "NOOOO Mamma." That makes you feel good. She wouldn't sit still and had a sucker in her mouth, you know the ones with the stick. She almost fell off the pew twice. Bad images flew through my head of ER visits to pull a sucker out of her throat.
Then as pastor was praying at the end of the service she would not stop talking. Mother told me to take her out. I knew that would have been really bad because she would have affected the whole church not just the rows around us. As we walked out mother gives me the death glare and gives G the death glare too. So I left feeling like an extremely great parent, great being the operative word. But here is the kicker, I never calmed back down enough to emotionally be with G the rest of the night. And I am still on edge. I was disappointed in her and in myself and I realized that I wasn't able to give her, well, me. I withheld because I could do no other.
As we were in bed she said, "Mama you forgot to say 'I luv you'." And I did; I just didn't think about it. It isn't that I wanted to be withdrawn, because lawd knows she needed me then more than ever, but I couldn't be anything else. I held her when she asked, but couldn't initiate anything. We still giggled after bath time, but because she started the giggling. Bed time was rough again, she wouldn't go to sleep and was weepy. I couldn't remember to rub her feet or head or anything.
Before bath I cleaned the sink out and washed dishes basically ignoring her but not on purpose. I just couldn't not ignore her. I would look at her but nothing came to me to say to her. I had no feelings it seemed at all. I get weepy thinking of this. I guess the realization is good but damn what the hell do I do with it. Last night would have been really good to have had someone there as in a hubby. Nights like that is when I miss having a counterpart. I miss it on nights when things are extraordinarily good to but generally I am very content single.
I guess this is about my failure last night. I am struggling personally and it is deeply affecting G, thus her uncooperative spirit last night.
*I will leave comments on but I am not looking for sympathy. Just recounting my evening and my failure.