Thursday, June 07, 2007


This is not a word I like to use, and in college I would hear silly girls yelling about being so that I literally had images of bashing their heads into the wall to stop hearing the word. I didn't believe there was a such thing, especially at our age.

I have since learned or experienced otherwise. I have had in the past panic attacks. I am not on meds for them although at one point I did try bu*spar which only made my head spin literally I think. Anyway, this is leading to my realization that I am currently stressed.

When I am stressed, I dream. I dream about past situations where I was stressed. In college I would dream about high school and flunking all of my classes while having teachers laugh in my face (I was an A/B student). In the work world I would dream about high school and not being able to get to my classes. In past awful emotionally damaging job I would dream about high school/college and then about said job. Now I dream about damaging job (hereafter known as dj). Last night I dreamed dj offered me a new position but when I gave them my declarations of schedule, i.e. no working past 5pm, I didn't hear from them again, and instead went to lunch with an ex-coworker of mine and a new co-worker from first thing. First thing is current place of employ where back biting is ensuing.

Now yesterday was an extremely bad day for me and G. At first thing I am discovering new back biting with me at the center. I am being bitten; I am not biting. Last night after work, we all went to church to watch a slide show of my mom's pastor's visit to Israel. Very interesting. G sat with us during the presentation. She was not very cooperative. I had to remove her once as she screamed to high heaven "NOOOO Mamma." That makes you feel good. She wouldn't sit still and had a sucker in her mouth, you know the ones with the stick. She almost fell off the pew twice. Bad images flew through my head of ER visits to pull a sucker out of her throat.

Then as pastor was praying at the end of the service she would not stop talking. Mother told me to take her out. I knew that would have been really bad because she would have affected the whole church not just the rows around us. As we walked out mother gives me the death glare and gives the death glare too. So I left feeling like an extremely great parent, great being the operative word. But here is the kicker, I never calmed back down enough to emotionally be with G the rest of the night. And I am still on edge. I was disappointed in her and in myself and I realized that I wasn't able to give her, well, me. I withheld because I could do no other.

As we were in bed she said, "Mama you forgot to say 'I luv you'." And I did; I just didn't think about it. It isn't that I wanted to be withdrawn, because lawd knows she needed me then more than ever, but I couldn't be anything else. I held her when she asked, but couldn't initiate anything. We still giggled after bath time, but because she started the giggling. Bed time was rough again, she wouldn't go to sleep and was weepy. I couldn't remember to rub her feet or head or anything.

Before bath I cleaned the sink out and washed dishes basically ignoring her but not on purpose. I just couldn't not ignore her. I would look at her but nothing came to me to say to her. I had no feelings it seemed at all. I get weepy thinking of this. I guess the realization is good but damn what the hell do I do with it. Last night would have been really good to have had someone there as in a hubby. Nights like that is when I miss having a counterpart. I miss it on nights when things are extraordinarily good to but generally I am very content single.

I guess this is about my failure last night. I am struggling personally and it is deeply affecting G, thus her uncooperative spirit last night.

*I will leave comments on but I am not looking for sympathy. Just recounting my evening and my failure.


Anonymous said...

Hey girl,

One of the things motherhood has taught me is that I will never achieve my goal to become the perfect parent. It's just not possible! I think it's because we have to model for our children both the good and the bad (to kind of broaden their worldview, ya know?). Glenys learned last night that there will be occasions that the world does not completely revolve around her and that there will be consequences for her actions. She also learned that, in spite of herself, you will be with her and you will love her ALWAYS!! Give yourself a break, ma!!!


crazylady said...

This proves you are normal and sincere. This post deserves to be on everyone's blog, though no one could write it better than you just did.
Indifference, resentment, emotional unavailability?...yeah, the 'B' side of loves 45. We ALL feel it and close up shop, sometimes for seconds, sometimes minutes or hours or days.
No I don't give you sympathy my chicklet, I give you an ovation.
There is a reason I follow you around.

kris said...

Damn if Sen didn't go and DO IT AGAIN. That woman has a way with stealing the words RIGHT out of my mouth. Oh, what am I saying? She said it better than I could...

I applaud you Beverly. No sympathy card from me either. Just love your honesty and I'm so glad you posted this... all part of the journey of parenthood.

Kim said...

You are only one person and a person that is human. There was no damage done to anyone last night, especially Glenys. She knows her mom stills loves her and will care for her even if she doesn't do everything for her all the time. As Angelyn said, give yourself a break!! Remember to breath and take a time out if you need to.
Don't worry about the church ordeal either. Who cares what anyone thought about how Glenys was acting. You did the right thing by removing her from the situation when she wasn't cooperating. And remember, she's only three years old. Attention span of a grain of salt.
So, kudos to you kid for learning a difficult part of parenthood. I just hope I can follow suit when it's my turn.

Kim Y
LID 3/29/07 for Megan Jean

Beverly said...

You guys are so nice to me. ::sniff::
What did I do to deserve such good friends because I will do it again!!


Cindy from central NC said...

Well I wished I had some new words to tell you but they all said it better than me and I believe in everything they said.
However, I can tell you that I, too, work at a very back-biting, sniper hitting, Dilbert-wacko work environment in a "big-business" type of company. It's fricken brutal and unless you keep your Star Wars shield on, you'll so get zapped. My point? It's that this is hard stuff. Working full-time (in a meanie-pants environment) and then having to come home and shrug it all off (cause you just gotta for you and for Glenys) and re-engaging the other side of your life. Kudos to you to your honesty. Hell, I had a panic attack at least once and it so sucks.
Sending you good vibes!

Chinazhoumom said...

Bev- You just found out that this week you had to take off your Super Mom Hat (but just for a moment).. Don't sweat it sister - think of it as practice when she is a teenager - and does not listen - wants to do what she wants - I am sure it will be a BIG wake up call for me - so like they say this too shall pass (like bad gas) Hope tomorrow is better..

Donna said...

Hey, we've all been there. There are times we expect too much of our kids, and then feel like crummy parents because we do. You just have to get up the next morning and try to be a better mom...I do it every day!