Monday, August 20, 2007

Okay, Something is really bothering me

I have to share or at least get this off my chest. First off please understand that I am not judging a person for a decision being made. I am concerned about the implications of the decision and the implied statement it makes about adoption.

On another blog, a single mom who is LID in China has decided to marry which is not a big deal, really. The thing is though that they have decided to have a child of their own. She has pulled her dossier from China because of this marriage and of the wait. So I guess my beef is: as long as a person is single then China adoption is fine but if you marry you should have your "own" children.

Why didn't she keep it there, adopt this little girl as their own and still try for a bio if they wanted. It would take an updated home study to include new hubby. I guess what really chaps me is that after May1, no single may apply for a spot for China and now this person wasted, WASTED, this spot; taking it away from a single person who could have adopted.

Singles were already limited by number. She offered all of her gifts back to the original gift givers which I suppose was kind; but honestly who is going to request it back? She even has a name for the Chinese daughter that she no longer wants.

I guess I feel betrayed because I had hoped to adopt and I know others who wished to do so but didn't get a spot and here is one spot now given up and now there will be a child left? Am I wrong to feel so? I don't know this person except through what she has written. I am happy for her marriage but the nagging question is whether this new hubby-to-be caused her to re-think adoption. It takes a very secure man to truly feel connected to a child not of his loins, and some women too. Couldn't this Chinese daughter have been theirs together?

I have been mulling this post over since I saw this person's blog entry over 3 days ago. I will not link to it because I am not sure this post is about her or about my feeling of betrayal by another potential single China mom. I guess I feel she said China is not good enough for a married girl but is for a single. Some how I feel her decision discounts single adopters at the same time giving credence to China's decision to exclude us.

I know I know-grow up-it isn't about me. It is about the children.

11 comments:

Chinazhoumom said...

I am with you on this one - people may throw stones at us - but - I like you had wished for a sister for my daughter (just not ready for paperwork before May 07) - so yes it chaps that a single would nix the adoption idea for a man - so lets say she can't conceive - then what...or this marriage does not "work out" - All in all I feel sorry that she will not get to experience the amazing life altering event that is parenting a child from China...
Carol

theghelertertwins.blogspot.com said...

Although I am happily married and have the two greatest joys of my life. I would so feel cheated if I were you. I know how upset you must be. I'm sorry for your pain.

Johnny said...

Howdy.

I read this same blog a few days ago, as you, and didn't think this way.

But now reading your posting....hmmm, a very good point.

And, I'm comfortable having a child that didn't come from my loins.

(that sounded dirty)

PinkDevora said...

I saw her blog, but I thought that the issue was that you have to be married for a certain amount of years before adopting from China, so she would be forced to pull her dossier.

Wendy said...

Hmmm. I've not read the blog in question, but from what you described, my Spidey senses started tingling. Just based on what you have said, it sounds like to this woman adoption was a fall back plan.

It is very sad....especially if you are on SAC and know how many moms would have loved to have been able to fill her slot (myself included).

Eliza2006 said...

I thought that if you had logged in as a single you would have to pull your dossier and get in at the end of the line? I definitely see where you are coming from and the same thoughts had crossed my mind.

Tiffany

kris said...

I've been through this, and NO, she would have to start from SCRATCH- as I did going from being married to being single... you CANNOT do an update on your homestudy... not only that, but they would (under the new rules) have to be married FIVE years before they could adopt- I totally understand her pulling it if marriage is what she really wants. There are other options out there too if they aren't successful trying to get pregnant.

kris said...

You'll note on another blog (Shannon) she is WAITING until the adoption is final before marrying her fiance for this very same reason.

lisa said...

While this is very sad, it is true that you must pull your dossier if you get married during the wait-a homestudy update is not possible, because it is a new application, based on a new "parental unit." We are waiting until after the adoption to get married, and I know a few other couples who are. I also know a couple who pulled the dossier to get married because he was taking an overseas assignment, and this was the only way she could go with him. They do actually plan to adopt after the wait period. I have not read the blog you refer to, and it may be that the adoption was second choice for her-but there also may have been lots of reasons why they couldn't wait until after the adoption to get married. And yeah, I dated several guys who couldn't get their heads around adoption-I left them to figure it out. Adoption is my first choice. ~lmc

crazylady said...

Karma comes around. She may regret that decision if her biological oven is not so easy bake.

I am sorry to hear that people don't realize their actions affect others deeply. At least Glenys found her spot in your heart.

Abby's Mom said...

I'm not sure where I am with this. I too can see where you are coming from, but there is something to the having to start from scratch idea. I also wondered why she just did not wait to get married until after her adoption was final. But with the extended wait and unpredictability I can see why she might want to not wait. However this was her dream.........