Thursday, September 20, 2007

Honest Mother Post

If I am going to be honest about parenting I will have to admit there are times when things are so good and G and I are so sweet to each other. There are times my love for her is so full that I could burst at the seams. These are the happy, sunshine filled, ladybug days that every parent hopes for, dreams of and plans well before the child actually comes into their world. These times are not the exception but the rule at our house.

Then there are days like this one, that only last a few minutes in actuality, but emotionally will last a lifetime. These moments are burned in my guilt pouch that I pull out to beat myself with at times. These are the days I want to slither away like the snake I feel I am.

This particular morning, I had braided G's hair. We were already pushing the clock to its limit and then I decide to take a pic of her cute hair style. That is when things took a terrible turn.

She didn't want to have her pic taken and wouldn't say cheese, so I put the camera up. Then all hell broke loose and she demanded to have the pic taken, but she wouldn't smile or say cheese still. This back and forth continued longer than it should and something in me snapped.

I grabbed my camera and started snapping pictures of her in her face. She was crying and wiping her face and I was talking not ugly but behind the words were not nice motives. These are two pics of the very many I should have never kept and will haunt me for a long time.

I just hope she is not emotionally damaged. Lets just say that even though I didn't harm her physically and didn't want to, but psychologically, my anger overpowered my common sense and I was abusive. My beautiful child who is very sensitive and introverted, I am aware that I have power to truly harm her spirit.

Dear God, help me never to harm my child's spirit. Help me to always ask her forgiveness when I have done wrong by her. Help me teach her to trust and love. Help me keep the barriers down from between us. Help my anger stay away or at least come into control quicker than times in the past. Amen.


Sophie's Mom said...

Awe... don't beat yourself up, you're human.

I do have to say that she sounds just like my Sophia when she's in control freak mode, and needs a holding time due to her attachment issues.

I ask her if she wants milk, she says yes. I get her milk. She says she doesn't want it. So, I put it on the counter (okay, you don't want it..) all of a sudden she wants it desperately. I can't win. It's her way of battling for control, because she doesn't truly believe she can relax and be taken care of. There's much more to is, but it happens around here sometimes.

Hang in there!

Chinazhoumom said...

Some days are sugar and spice and some are not so nice - such is life with a child - it just gets us ready for teenagers - don't sweat it - we all need a little time out (for US) not them - now and then

Eliza2006 said...

We all have our moments. Give yourself a break and thanks for sharing.


mommy24treasures said...

oh hugs to you I think we would all be lying if we didn't say we had moments of snapping from inpatience with our little ones. I admire you much for your honesty.
You are a good mom, knowing you need His grace and ability to parent is the biggest step in being a parent I think.

Lauri said...

I have had those moments too... they haunt me.

Kerry said...

That was incredibly honest. You're a good mom.

Martha said...

okay ... this makes me want to give you a hug.

your little angel is tough and will be fine. everyone does those kinds of things from time to time. that's just being human ...... wish it weren't so but it is!

my kids bounce back in about one second and then milk all the guilt from me they possibly can! just think, she'll get you back some day by being a typical teenager! :)

Martha C.

crazylady said...

sweatheart .... there is no way YOU could mess her up.

I have started a jar of change to help fund S & D's therapy. We as parents are just human. We do what we can. There are many moments of regret. Don't hide. We all have many of those moments.
I look back at my childhood and wonder how my head is still attached, and that I don't live out of a cardboard box under a bridge injecting crack. It was just in me to be a survivor.
These children are survivors. They are NOT going to recall a bad photo shoot. The ten birthday parties yes, pics no.

She is very strong minded young lady. That will save her in the end.
Okay is it chocolate time there yet?