If I am going to be honest about parenting I will have to admit there are times when things are so good and G and I are so sweet to each other. There are times my love for her is so full that I could burst at the seams. These are the happy, sunshine filled, ladybug days that every parent hopes for, dreams of and plans well before the child actually comes into their world. These times are not the exception but the rule at our house.
Then there are days like this one, that only last a few minutes in actuality, but emotionally will last a lifetime. These moments are burned in my guilt pouch that I pull out to beat myself with at times. These are the days I want to slither away like the snake I feel I am.
This particular morning, I had braided G's hair. We were already pushing the clock to its limit and then I decide to take a pic of her cute hair style. That is when things took a terrible turn.
She didn't want to have her pic taken and wouldn't say cheese, so I put the camera up. Then all hell broke loose and she demanded to have the pic taken, but she wouldn't smile or say cheese still. This back and forth continued longer than it should and something in me snapped.
I grabbed my camera and started snapping pictures of her in her face. She was crying and wiping her face and I was talking not ugly but behind the words were not nice motives. These are two pics of the very many I should have never kept and will haunt me for a long time.
I just hope she is not emotionally damaged. Lets just say that even though I didn't harm her physically and didn't want to, but psychologically, my anger overpowered my common sense and I was abusive. My beautiful child who is very sensitive and introverted, I am aware that I have power to truly harm her spirit.
Dear God, help me never to harm my child's spirit. Help me to always ask her forgiveness when I have done wrong by her. Help me teach her to trust and love. Help me keep the barriers down from between us. Help my anger stay away or at least come into control quicker than times in the past. Amen.