My aunt passed away last night. Her son was with her reading the Bible to her. Probably to comfort him as much as her. My mom called last night as soon as she was called. G and I had already gotten in the bed, though we weren't asleep.
I think my first thought was relief that she isn't in pain anymore. My second thought was the response of my grandmother who went before (at least the response in my mind) of greeting her daughter with a stoic, "Why are you here so early?" My last two thoughts were that there are very very few pics of my aunt and we won't be able to travel to the funeral to say goodbye. She decided against being buried here because it would be too difficult for her son to visit her grave.
I have to tell you that it is very difficult to grieve with a very curious and outspoken 4 year old. G knew I was crying and asked if I was. I affirmed it and she said, "are you cwying weel tears?" I said, "Yes" and she said, "Wike I do when you spank me and I cwy?" I said, "No, I am crying tears of sorrow and you cry tears of anger."
Then we talked about death (I refuse to candy coat it) and what it means (age appropriate). We talked about heaven and hell. I told her that Aunt Doris was in Heaven with other family members. I told her based on my knowledge who she knows that will be going to heaven. She asked if Meghan was going and I bit my tongue and said yes. She decided that "Grammie and Grandad and you and me and Grammie and G" needed to go to heaven together. I agreed.
She told me she was worried about heaven (mostly about going right now) and I told her all the things we did to keep her from going now like holding my hands in parking lots and in streets and learning to swim etc. I told her that although God said heaven is a wonderful place where there would be no tears or mourning (or sleeping, she asked) that I wanted us to stay on earth a little bit longer.
I explained that grandad was going back to San Diego to the funeral where they will bury her body that was left on this earth. I explained that her spirit was at that very moment with Christ in heaven. Time will tell what she did or did not understand. But today is a busy day at work and it looks like I will have to schedule a time to grieve.