Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Therapy Today

It wasn't really feedback more like she told me what I knew but she wanted to use this time for me to talk due to the stress I have been under lately. But I did get some feedback that is what I already knew and that is G has too much control and I have HAVE to take it back. That it will get worse before getting better and that now is as good a time as ever. Consistency and consequences are important. I have a tendency to give consequences that will never come true like "G if you don't pick all of your toys up I am throwing them away." Okay so I will not throw them away and G knows that and that is just an example as I have never threatened that but you get the general idea.

The real example is this morning I told her when I finished eating my breakfast I was getting a shower regardless if she were finished. She was not eating so I was giving a warning to her to get through. The problem with that was I had some dishes to wash and coffee to prepare like I always do after I eat so she had time to finish and she knew I wasn't going to get a shower. So I should have been more truthful including all that I had to get done etc. Then there is the fact that I tell her over and over and over again. I need to say it once and let the consequences fall where they may and ignore the subsequent crying and hysterics that will accompany the consequences. Thank goodness I am not paying for this because see I know what to do I just don't know exactly why I won't do it!! I think I am just so stressed out and afraid of failing that I am failing and stressing myself out more.

We both agreed that G manipulates but she is not malicious in her manipulation. I enable her shyness and introversion and she knows I will jump in to answer questions so she lets me jump in. She manipulates/controls her situation probably out of fear too, but she is 4 and doesn't need that control!! So who wants to be an accountability partner for me? anyone, anyone, Beuhler? Just kidding, sort of, not really. The therapist will act in that role. Next week we do the first of the videos with structure and challenges then video theraplay. This way we work on all of those issues in the safety of the office. Not that this is dangerous but you know what I mean.

G is a good kid and we both don't want to fail at this family thing so we both act in fear. I have the understanding and the knowledge I just have to act now! So pray that I will get my stuff together so I can help G and me. The therapist did say that G is appropriately attached to me or rather she can see a positive bond between us. That is good. She said she notices that G looks to me for approval and answers which she is supposed to do at this age.

But I will just say, we had a bad BAD bad night last night. Me throwing threats with no follow through and still being mad this morning. I told G that if she didn't go to sleep I would make her get up with me this morning early (threat) but I was still mad at her for not going to sleep that I didn't want her up early with me (no follow through). She did say this morning, "I know you gonna make me sweep in my OWN bed tonight." Shocked, I looked at her and said, "I should." But then I thought about having to go and clean her room up and move the tent out to do that and honestly that is really not the point. I just want her to go to sleep.

So now on to the worst before better. No word on jobs but still looking.

12 comments:

Marla said...

Oh the joys of motherhood. Who knew it would be this darn tough! I have faith you and G will both be just fine.

Anonymous said...

See if you can find a book called 1,2,3 Magic at the library. It worked wonders for my daughter. The beauty of it is that you don't threaten over and over, and you count fast. The hard part is that you have to have consequences ready and follow through on them. "Please pick up the toys on the kitchen table... I am going to count to three and if they are not up, I'm bagging them and you will not see them again for 3 weeks... 1, 2, 3" the toys are gone. Works wonders.

Briana's Mom said...

I still have so much to learn in the parenting department. And I am still waiting for that darn manual. ;)

I think everything will work out just fine!

Super Mommy said...

B. glad you all are going through therapy - I'm sure your therapist will give you the tools to parent G. based on her needs!

Vivian M said...

I think we all have done this (not follow through with consequences) at some point. Kerri beats G at manipulation, any day. We have had to get really strict. What works for us is to give her advance warnings, for example: you have 15 minutes to play with your leapster and then you must go to bed. And then we give her a countdown every few minutes. Kerri tries to play lets make a deal but no deals. And after a few days she figured out she was not going to win so now she gives in. Consistency is key!
Good luck, and don't be so hard on/with yourself. No parent is perfect, we are all tired and working hard and doing the best we can.

a Tonggu Momma said...

Beverly ~ I find myself struggling in this area, too. I talk too much sometimes. I just need to say it - once - without explanation - and then just walk away and let her choose. Thanks for a great reminder.

Everyday Mom Designs said...

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate...
Good luck, I'm sure things will turn out just fine. :)

fricke92 said...

I'm guilty of the same empty threats. I'm trying to be better about following through, but it is hard work. Hang in there!

The Byrd's Nest said...

My friend Stephanie is my accountability partner...she used to be a social worker and so she is honest with me when I am whining about Lottie and her control issues.

Bev, I have learned all of this the hard way with Lottie and Emma Jane. Emma is the WORST control freak in the world.....her speech teacher even knows she can never give into her.

It is so so hard because with us I feel bad for making Lottie feel so insecure lately because of the talk of our move, selling her toys etc. But honestly, it is just my job each day to love her and make sure I tell her that I am never leaving her until she understands this one day. This is no excuse for her lack of self control with her temper etc....this is REALLY hard for me because I feel so guilty.

On a positive note, I have been practicing zero tolerance....along with Greg who is the biggest pushover in the universe....and I am seeing a dim light at the end of the tunnel. She knows that we mean what we say....and alot of times I have seen her change her mind about "losing it" because she knows she will be disciplined.

Big hugs to you...I had a feeling there was not an issue with attachment just from reading your blog for so long...I wished I lived closer and I would be your accountability friend....it really does help to have that honesty from an outside person if it is done in love.

Kristi said...

I do the same thing sometimes...motherhood can be so hard. I second-guess myself all the time. Hang in there. I'm sure everything will work out.

Christy said...

I am soooooo happy to hear that it appears that you guys have good attachemnt. That is so important and it has always seem that way to us in blogger land but I am glad the therapist confirmed that.

I think the things you struggle with are things we all struggle with. I threaten the kids all the time and am now starting it with mia "do you want a spanking?" and I know so much of the time I have no intention of following through but I make the threat anyway. Consistency has always been tough for me. Threats are easy and they often times get the kids to act but it doesnt take too long for the kid to realize that you are not going to follow through. Then, I will do a token follow through to show them who is boss and then they are confused beucase of my inconsistency. I think it is a struggle for many parents. I always look at the real consistent parents and think I would love to be more like them. But then I have had some of those parents tell me they wish they could be more spontanioius and adventuous like me-- I think the grass is always greener but I am like you and belive I need to work on this follow thorugh issue.

Im glad things are going well and I look forward to seeing how things progress!!

Christy :)

Beth said...

So So Hard! Hope likes to run the show around here, too. Sounds like you're getting some good pointers though. I have yet to meet a parent who can follow through with consequences EVERY. We're all in this journey together. It is a good feeling to know that others are struggling with some of the same issues we do. Keep up the good work Mama!