Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Setting Roots or Perserverence

Peonies are in bloom for this week only. They are actually a week behind in their blooms. This last pic is only 3 blooms. They are really huge flowers that smell so good. I added my red Gerber daisy with one set of blooms for some color.
Peonies originated from China, and they take a long time to establish themselves in order to bloom. It really is a metaphor for my and G's family. Her roots are not totally grounded as I am discovering in therapy. We have been in 8 theraplay sessions and G is terrible.
Today she scratched me, hit me, kicked me, then on the way home she told me she hated me and that I was a mean mom. She refused to put her flipflops on so the therapist picked them up and secretly handed them to me. G thought the therapist had them and thought she wasn't going to get them back. I made her walk out of the office without them. She even tried to grab the therapist's bag to look in and get her shoes.
When the door shut to the office and G was in the hall with me and no shoes, she started crying, "I want my shoes." I gave them to her and picked her up. I cried too, it was a hard session and I am at a total loss. The therapist says that G is doing exactly what she is supposed to be doing in therapy?!?!?! In other words, I am totally confused by her total lack of cooperation and acting out but the therapist says this is expected and at the right time?
I told G we would go to the museum if she was good at the therapist by minding me, sitting still in the waiting room, cooperate in therapy, etc (you know standard rules) but she messed that up in the waiting room by not minding me and climbing all over the furniture after being told to stop. So we came home and had a picnic in the back yard. She then took a 2 hour nap from which she is just waking.
Back to my tears, G heard me cry and asked why I was crying. But she hardened against my tears. Maybe I should have left her to her barefoot feet a bit longer, seemed like when she got what she was crying about, she stopped crying.
It was really hard to be in therapy today with her non-compliance self and then her hitting and scratching and kicking me was hard to witness. She struggled so hard to keep in control and literally refused to do anything asked and refused to be engaged. She didn't even allow me to take care of her hurts with the cotton ball, she kicked at my hand the whole time. This is the second session that didn't even last 45 mins. I was so ready to be done but saddened at the same time that whatever is happening, whatever it is, has pain, frustration and anger behind it all in my precious little girl.
Last night G brought up her adoption again so we talked about it. She said, "When you checked me out..."(I got stuck on that phrase and don't remember what else she said.)
I said, "When I checked you out? I didn't check you out." I was thinking along the bought concept or the doctor's physical concept, I couldn't imagine what she was thinking.
She said, "You know when that lady asked you to never abandage me and to always take care of me?" (Ah ha, the notary in China completing the adoption).
Then later we were discussing how babies are abandoned and she said, "It's a good thing I wasn't abandaged, then huhn?" So I had to break that bubble and agree that yes, she was temporarily abandaged until the anonymous man picked her up. We talked about a lot of things, the police man, her age, her birthmom vs. her China mom(foster mom- G's definition) vs. her China dad. These are all her definitions not mine.
We read Adoption Is For Always, her choice to read it. Then therapy today. I wonder where or if there is any connection? Sometimes I wonder that by being so open about adoption if I am making her less secure. Who knows. I go to the therapist next week alone. I can't afford to go twice a week due to gas and being jobless. Of course if I had a job we wouldn't be able to go at all due to time. Conundrum is my life.


Heather BT said...

Have I told you yet that i look forward to hearing how this is going so I can have some Idea how it's going to go with Acer? We'll start once school stops this june. Thanks for your honesty.

Anonymous said...

I think you sound like a good mom.
Seems like you're doing everything you can.

I hope it all gets smoother.

Super Mommy said...

Beautiful flowers - I didn't know the orgins of the peonies - neat!

Sorry your session was rough today. I know our girls have been through a lot, but I wonder how much of this is normal behavior? I mean, she is only 4. My girls are curious to a degree and I share with them what I know in their language, I have not discussed abandonment with them. Not sure if that's right or not, but I think they are still kind of young to process this - they know they are adopted, they know they have parents in China, and they know they were in a baby home.

I hope these sessions work for your and G!

Anonymous said...

Very interesting about the therarpy.

She does know a lot about adoption for being so young. Sounds like your girl puts things together very mature for her age. My daughter is 5.5 and sort of understands there is a birth mom. She is a little resistant to talking about. We've never discussed birth father, she hasn't asked. I'm not planning to mention it until she has more understanding of biology.

Sometimes I do wonder about the experts saying giving so much info early is best. What are your thoughts? Same with other things they want to teach children so young in the schools about reproduction etc. I know the experts swear by it.

PS: I love your blog. You state your thoughts so clearly. Maybe your new career should be lighting a fire under conservaties. :-)

Ali said...

Very interesting and honest post--I hope it all works out:)

Ellie Monster said...

I'm sorry the sessions are so rough. It almost sounds like what they do in the military, strip them of all learned behaviors and re-teach them. This is just boot camp and eventually it will get easier.
Hang in there.