Friday, February 17, 2012

Always Below The Surface

This week we lost a player on our basketball team. Seems she has gone back home to live with her bio family. Now, she was not in fostercare or anything like that. She lived with a couple who just wanted to help the mother out. The mother is single and this child is number 3 of 5 or something. This couple has already raised 2 boys to adulthood and really didn't have to offer to let said child live with them. They had unofficial guardianship only nothing legal.

Well the child began to strangulate the adults in her life and cause problems between this couple. The child was returned home. I am not blaming anyone in the scenario. Seems the child became really comfortable and took advantage. The mom never officially released her and the couple had no true legality over her. So I was explaining to G why the girl went home, basically disrespect and disobedience toward the couple.

Then it surfaced, the nagging hidden fear of all children who have been adopted. The fear so deep in some that it surfaces rarely. In some kids who have been adopted the fear causes behaviors to force parents to reject them (if possible) reaffirming what they suspect, the "I am not worthy to be loved and accepted as shown by my first mom giving me up" narrative. I don't t see this fear in G a lot though it does surface and it did surface this morning.

When I told G that the girl had gone home, answering G's question (after processing this info last night) this morning, she immediately said, "You won't ever give me away will you?" I affirmed that even if she wanted me to (which sometimes she claims she does-remembering the find a new mother summer) I wouldn't.

Now that I am writing this out I am realizing that her mini melt down and ugly self depricating comments last night where from her processing this girls situation. Yes, call me slowpoke from not picking up on it then. I didn't connect the dots for over 24 hours, hmmm. At least G can tell me her fears so I can reaffirm she is my daughter forever.

It is interesting how this idea if being given away does not occur to a bio child who has never been removed from the first family. As for our children who were once adopted this idea simmers beneath the surface and no matter what we say or do these kids live with the fear. I don't like saying our adopted children because adoption was a one time (hopefully) event in the past as a way for the child to enter the family. G is not an adopted child, she is a child who was adopted.

Anyway, this girl's story is mostly incidental to this post, only a background story that caused G's fear of abandonment to surface. We will work it out and talk it out and reassure her so she can stuff the fear a wee bit deeper this time. I have to realize it isn't going to go away for a long time, if ever. I do need to not be surprised when it comes out.

Yes this is all in the books about adoption, loss etc but for some reason it still takes me by surprise when it happens.

1 comment:

Vivian M said...

I hear you loud and clear. We have been dealing with this ever since Kerri could talk!
I love how you said that Miss G is not an adopted child, but a child that is adopted. It's so true, we love Kerri no different if she was our bio-child - and sometimes we "forget" that she is adopted, and Chinese. To us she is just our daughter, but we are reminded of all the labels every time we go out in public.
Sending you both huge hugs.