Friday, June 22, 2012

Days and Nights Getting Mixed Up

For me that is. G, I am told, had a meltdown Wednesday night after we Skyped so Grammie has nixed any future skyping. I hate that. I could tell though it was coming when I talked to her earlier in the day. She was a bit teary and I could tell was trying very hard to hold it together. I will be excited when they get back but that won't be for another week and half.

She and my SIL went blackberry picking again and G's words flooded out to the point that sil commented that G talked so much she only picked 6 berries. Most people think G is so very quiet and she is until she feels comfortable then all those words she has held come tumbling out on top of each other. Funny that!

Anyway, I am not sleeping due to the lack of job, lack of information about jobs (still no word from the college) and lack of money. So instead of staying up and stirring in bed like the night before which was just miserable by the way, last night I watched Shakespeare in Love on DVD and then I watched it again with all the commentary and then I watched the rest of the special additions to the DVD. I forgot about some of the parts that really didn't (at least to me) add anything. I mean I have an imagination and really do not need to see the body parts, ya' know? I can most certainly imagine what is happening.

But I love both Colin Firth and Joseph Finnes so it was worth the less than $3 from Amazon. I turned it off at around 3am and woke this morning around 10. Yes, I do believe the depression has come upon me. Yesterday I was up earlier; however, but then spent the day at my mom's watering the plants and feeding hummingbirds.

I am truly needing to work on my bank statement but honestly I just don't want to see the financial fall out. GAH!

The Repulican national party called mother yesterday and I answered. I mean I am "Ms. Moore" so technically it was okay to speak with them. They of course, just like the DNC, want donations but I told them one better, I told them they could most definitely count on my vote in November to stop "the ONE" and kick him out of office. I explained how I am out of work like 6 million other Americans no thanks to Obama or rather much thanks to Obama and his ilk and that if he were to be relected in November I might just commit sui*cide. No, I am not serious but very very worried. Then however I remembered how the guy, who got really quie,t believed he was speaking with my mom, oops.

And no lectures; I know sui*cide is not a joking matter and sometimes I really have to think hard about it not being the answer because I know it isn't. I am comforted by Elijah in 1 Kings 19:4 (this is the only verse in this section underlined in my Bible so I have visited it many times before). By the way, many servants of God were depressed and begged for God to take their lives, and yes I realize they were much more pious than I but they were still just human.

You see depression is not necessarily a mental illness (of course the APA wishes to make many non-illnesses mental illness but I digress) but sometimes it is just a recognition that nothing you do can fix this, that you are not the one in control. It is a bit of reality of the situation becoming even more real and not being in control of the situation even to know how God will fix this.

I know God is in control and in one sense that gives me hope. However, in another sense it scares the will out of me because it means I am not in control, and never really have been despite my own belief in the matter; therefore, the depression comes in waves over me at times.

The thought that I can't control the end of this financial world mess does not give me good feelings. I have always been a bit of a pessimist, I like to think more of a realist, really. I know I am not alone and there are many praying and caring and suffering like myself. I also feel depressed because I know my situation is not bad in the sense that I am not facing illness, surgery, death for myself or any of my close family, so then I feel foolish for being upset about the emotional place I am in currently.

It is most certainly a strange place to be, this situational depression, but I need to be here to feel to the depths because I know when God pulls me up on the mountain I will see His work and His will and I can then feel the heights of joy. By the way, this is about me only, no one else who suffers depression, only me. And mine is totally 100% situational, acute not clinical.

This is all to say that nights are becoming more difficult to focus on sleep and tonight my be more difficult after the FB photo I saw while trying to find someone with a very common name. Very scary picture actually and the info stated this person liked mutilation of body parts. Once seen it is difficult to unsee. I did not click on it because I honestly couldn't get past the profile pic fast enough. Truly difficult image that now is burned in my brain, ugh! I wish people were more careful, of course this sick person wishes to disturb people.

So that is how my day has been. I watched a comedy today and truly laughed until my sides hurt. Johnny English (I am sure I have seen it before) but it is just so very funny. Rowan Atkinson is just hilarious. I really needed to laugh today!

3 comments:

Briana's Mom said...

I hope your financial situation turns around soon. I know it is so tough. Praying you find employment very soon.

LD said...

I am praying for you. I, too, hope to God that Obama's days in office are numbered!

Vivian M said...

Hugs and prayers...and don't give up.