Friday, July 26, 2013

Not So Lucky

Well, we did not come out of Forever Family Day unscathed.  There was a colossal crash which started as soon as I picked her up with specific points of challenging behavior that some what escalated with hurt feelings of my not remembering a classmates name and challenges to the GT program I want her in, into flat out anger over my not remembering that I agreed to foster dogs after our cat dies, into anger and fear and "I don't want you" statements (from her to me) and then threats of running away to live in the streets.  We had lots of tears shed by us both. 

Yea, fun times.  Such big feelings for such a little girl.  The longer she is with me the less I want to celebrate the day even though initially my thought was to fill this day with such good and fun memories/mementos that she would be able to see something positive from it.  For her feelings I am not sure it is worth it.  

Maybe I should just make a safe place for her to vent and us to cry.  And you know? that is okay too.  She has a right to her feelings.  She has a right to be angry and disappointed in how things turned out for her.  She has a need to know that she is wanted and that she belongs even when she feels that she doesn't. 

She wanted to reject me first so that she could be in control.  She protects her heart by not letting on that she loves us as much as we love her because the rejection could be so much worse.  Of course we will not reject her but she is still not sure even after 8 years. One day she will willingly come with hugs and kisses on her own not by requests.  I see some of it now but only because I am looking for the actions.  Like when we left my parents last night she turned around to let grammie hug and kiss her bye without being told or asked but she did not do the hugging and kissing. 

I cried and prayed over her.  I prayed God would help her to know that she is wanted and loved and liked so very much (which brought deeper sobs from her) no matter how she feels in any given moment.  All in all I mostly got shrugs and "I don't knows" when I asked what she felt or was thinking.  I did get a promise from her to never ever run away.  She told me this morning that she promised she would not run away so I should not think she will.  This morning she was so much better, but she had some terrible dreams that she could not remember.  How do I know she had these bad dreams?  Well, because she beat me to death and tangled the covers up so badly. 

But this morning is a new day and hopefully the weekend will be much better.  So we shall see what the future brings. 

1 comment:

Vivian M said...

I feel both of your pain. We have gone through those moments too, it is just soo hard. I will be praying right along with you!