Wednesday, December 04, 2013

Thanksgiving Weekend

My mother has not survived the Thanksgiving weekend unscathed.  She has fallen into a very deep and potentially destructive depression.  Mom told me something about one of her worst days but she couldn't remember which day either Sunday or Monday.  I asked her if she told my dad to which she replied, "No, of course not, why would I.'

I said, "Because he is your husband and needs to know."  She believes it will make him more sad.  Then she told me not to tell but I had too for both of their safety not to mention my own child's safety.  At this point I think G is a stabilizing factor in the afternoon so I hope he can continue to pick her up after school.  I believe she is something for my mother to look forward too. 

Anyway,  I did tell my dad and we aren't the closest of family members.  My dad is very stoic and I think he feels the burden of other people's pain or emotions more deeply than he shows.  I am an emotional person by nature, not able to talk about something upsetting without the tears flowing, which has in the past made both my parents just not wish to talk to me about whatever upset me.  The thing is, whatever is going on with my mom is upsetting, and I can't help that but they are my emotions for me to deal with alone.  I am not intending to burden him, but I have to be able to tell him things even when I am upset without him also feeling as if he has to protect me too.  I am not sure if I am making sense of what is going on but my free fall of tears can't exclude me from knowing what is going on with my mom or from telling him something she can't or won't tell him.

So one of my aunts came to visit mom yesterday and helped her clean her bathroom, putting a new shower curtain up and getting rid of things my mother doesn't want or need.  I called my aunt to find out if they really talked or if mom shared some of the same things she shared with me.  She didn't.  I am emotionally like this aunt, and she knows that too.  So we cried together.  Anyway, she offered to call another sister to find out if mom has shared some of the same feelings with her and will let me know if she did. 

I don't want my mom to feel alone, but she does.  I don't want her to be sad, but she is.  I know she may or may not remember what she tells me so if one of those sisters asks and mom denies it I want someone beside me to know what was said.  The thing is what my mom is saying is so not plausible that it is hard to believe she is the one saying it.  Thankfully, my aunt does know that my mom is not in a good place so although she wasn't told the same thing she believes what I repeated to her.

Mom has a doctor's appointment tomorrow to see how fast this progression is going.  I hope they will give her something for her depression as well.  She misses her Thanksgiving visitors and can't remember them leaving or how they left of if she said goodbye or anything.  She is pretty pitiful right now.  Dad realized on Monday that he can no longer leave her alone.  I believe he also realizes she can no longer drive.  She has pretty much lost her independence if they can't find any medications to help.

I also have to keep G updated and informed.  Since we are both here and basically in the midst of it, she has to be (as much as she can) in the know.  I can't hide it.  We have to talk openly and honestly about what is happening, what potential there is for future outcomes and what we think about it.

Other than that, which is huge, we are gearing up for a winter storm.  The temps this week have been in the 60s-70s in the day and 30 degree drops at night.  By Friday, we are supposed to have ice and around 36 degrees.  Sadly I had to turn my heat on before Thanksgiving.  I tried to hold off until Christmas but we had a colder than normal build up to Thanksgiving.  Maybe not record lows but lower than in recent pasts.

Also, our choir is about to perform a madrigal dinner 3 nights in a row with practices tonight and Saturday through Monday night.  The last performance is Thursday.  I am about to lose my mind with not knowing what to do with G for those nights.  I may get Dad to bring her to me and have her help in the kitchen every night.  I foresee a miserable week of nights.  Please God, prove me wrong. 

I would appreciate my family being lifted up this coming holiday season.  Right now I am all about cancelling Christmas completely.


1 comment:

Vivian M said...

Praying for you all. We send all our love.